


Steven Universe and the Totally Enticing Title or Whatever

by Thats_A_Dassie



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Fake OC, Humor, I’m new, Mary Sue, No discernible plot, Nonsense, Quick Read, Steven Universe - Freeform, Story, help me, humor/crack, this tag system will be the death of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 16:40:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17491532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thats_A_Dassie/pseuds/Thats_A_Dassie
Summary: Here’s the lovely Hyrax, inviting herself into this lovely site with a complete work of art. Not.





	Steven Universe and the Totally Enticing Title or Whatever

Beach City’s hit a record high today.

This is new, even by Delmarva standards. It’s gotten about a hundred nineteen degrees, tops. Roasting. It’s so hot, unsuspecting flip-flops stick to the pavement and made unappealing noises. So hot, the air itself is melting. So hot, all metal slides are legally classified as ovens. So hot, most people in their sane minds are shut away in their cool, air-conditioned houses. The key word here being “most.”

Steven the lunatic is about.

If you really want to know, the reason Steven is schlepping his way along the scalding blacktops of Beach City Neighborhood is because he’s heading home from his manga workshop camp all the way on the other side of town. Now, you ask, why doesn’t he just take his dad’s van or have the Gems drop-kick or Yoshi-jump him there?

Steven is too embarrassed to tell his dad he signed up for a manga workshop. Seriously, what fourteen-year-old white boy would confess to his dad that he voluntarily made the decision to spend two hours learning how to draw marble eyes and urchin hair? Not Steven, apparently. As for the Gems, I’m paraphrasing here.

They said something like, “Screw off, Steven, we’re not drop-kicking you to your weekly weeb cult.”

So every Saturday, Steven moseys on over to manga workshop and then moseys back home on foot. It had never been a problem until today, the day where you could very literally fry an egg on someone’s car.

Steven tries to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, one step after another. That’s all he can focus on. Walking three miles while in direct contact with the blazing sun kind of gives you a one-track mind.

He wishes he brought some water or a snack or something with him. It wasn’t very wise of him not to. Then again, it wasn’t very wise of him to decide to join a weeb cult, but I digress.

Step after step becomes a burden. Steven starts to get light-headed. The sun becomes a blurry blob in his peripheral vision. Heat waves bounce off the street, giving it a wiggly appearance.

Finally, he slows his steps enough to come to a full stop and sits on the white-hot curb. He feels like he’s breathing in fire. Is this what it’s like to die of heatstroke? Is this how he kicks the bucket?

It’s never too late to compose a will. Unless, of course, you already died.

_ I leave all my Sailor Moon DVDs to Pearl, who never got around to watching them,  _ he thinks. _ I leave my little collectible Crying Breakfast Friends figures to Garnet...and Amethyst, she, uh...she can eat that empty juice box I left on the counter….in memory of me… _

Steven hears a distant wailing noise. It grows steadily louder as Steven sits and waits for death.

_ And that noise’s the Grim Reaper, coming to fetch me. Or maybe Jesus, or maybe that dude who steers the afterlife canoe, I’m not trying to upset anyone with religious preferences.  _

_...Wait, why would they be wailing? _

Steven looks up just in time to see a figure fall from the sky and collide with the ground, leaving a decent-sized crater.

_ Another ruby?! _

His will forgotten, Steven jumps up and runs the couple yards to the hollow in the ground. 

“Are you okay?!” Steven shouts into it.

The figure pops up, quite alive, over the edge of the crater. She’s definitely not a ruby.

It’s hard to describe her appearance. Words can’t convey how absolutely eye-bleeding her wardrobe is. Every color on her has been cranked up to 100% saturation. She’s wearing a bright yellow skirt that’s about three inches below the waist,  a bright yellow and orange tie-dye shirt, ebony skin that somehow also glows, neon white nails, and white and yellow hair that would make even the My Littlest of Ponies shield their faces. She carries a yellow Kate Spade bag that manages to clash horribly with everything. On her shoulder is a tiny, translucent red rock that looks like it’s been stuck on with tacky glue.

_ Huh, there’s a rock on her body!  _ Steven thinks, ignoring how intensely fugly she is.  _ She could be a Gem! _

“Hey!” Steven says. “I’m Steven! Who are you?”

The maybe-Gem opens her heavily lipglossed mouth and emits such a shrill tone that it takes Steven a second to realize that she’s talking, not being invisibly tortured.

“Sunstoan!!!” she trills in a way that emphasizes the misspelling and the triple exclamation points. “I fell!!!” She gestures wildly at the sun. “From, like, the  _ sun _ !!!” she adds.

“How’d you do that? Wouldn’t you burn up?”

“Oh, nuuu, silly!!!” Sunstoan squeaks like a rusty door hinge. “Rainbow Diamond made me specifically to be born from, like, the sun’s gases!!! She also gave me this killer outfit!!! I’m like, basically invincible!!!”

“Uh, Sunstoan, rocks can’t be made from gas. And there  _ is _ no Rainbow Diamond.” Steven pauses. “Is there?”

“Look, Steven, there is absoluuutely no doubt here. Read, like, my face. I dunno what type of propaganda they’ve been feeding you at home, but there totally is a Rainbow Diamond. She’s the secret fifth diamond everyone, like, tries to ignore because she screwed up their, like, symmetrical insignia.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” Steven says, not understanding what Sunstoan is saying at all.

“And Sunstoans are like, suuuper rare! They only drop in Delmarva, and only when it’s, like, reaaallllly hawt!!!”

“Why?”

“It’s a mystery!!!” Sunstoan shrieks mysteriously.

“Oh. Uh, well, anyway, I’m sure the Gems would love to meet you!” Steven says.

“You know Gems?!?!?” 

“Yeah! I’m one myself!” Steven points to his stomach.

“Well c’monnnn, silly!!! What are you waiting for?!?!”

Instilled with new motivation, Steven gets to his feet and starts walking home again through the blistering heat, Sunstoan squealing at his heels like an overenthusiastic piglet.

Steven was never one to think of reason.

 

+++

 

Steven bursts through his front door, the maybe-Gem behind him. Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst are all conveniently seated in the living room, and they wheel around to look at Steven and the new, flashy intruder behind him.

“Uh, dude, I think someone followed you home from your weeb cult,” Amethyst says. 

“Okay, you won’t believe this, but I just found some Gem who fell out of the sky and they wanted to meet you, not kill you! That’s new, right?” Steven says. 

Silence. Garnet looks like she’s having Vietnam flashbacks.

“I’d like to introduce you to — ”

“I’M SUNSTOAN!!!!!” Sunstoan screakily interrupts, leaping in front of Steven so the Gems can take in all of her fluorescent glory.

The Gems, again, say nothing, but stare at Sunstoan with raised eyebrows.

“I fell from the  _ sun! _ ” she adds, as if it explains everything.

Pearl glances at Garnet uneasily and then back at the new maybe-Gem. She seems to be having a hard time thinking of what to tell Steven. Finally, she clears her throat. 

“Steven, where did you find this — person?”

“Oh. She — ”

“I just said!!!” Sunstoan huffs loudly. “I fell from the  _ sun!!! _ Like, right in front of him!!! I’m a  _ gem!!! _ ” She suddenly drops her Kate Spade tote bag. “OMG!!! It’s the waifu!!” she shouts, brandishing her finger at Garnet. “And the other waifu!!!” She points at Amethyst. “And uh, oops, I forgot your name,” she finishes, leaving behind a very miffed Pearl. “Steven, I didn’t know half your family was like, made of wife material!!!”

“My family was made of  _ what _ ?” Steven says frantically.

“Steven,” Pearl says, still quite offended, “your friend is — nice, but I don’t think, uh, Sunstone — ”

“Sunstoan!!!” Sunstoan corrects loudly.

“ — I don’t think she’s really a Gem.”

“You don’t have any proof I’m not a Gem!!!!”

“We don’t have any proof that you  _ are  _ a Gem,” Garnet says quietly, still deep in her Vietnam flashback.

“Well, like, I fell from the sun!!! And I have like, a gem on my shoulder!!! And I have no home!!!! You’ll let me stay here, right?!?!” Sunstoan says, batting her white eyelashes.

“No,” Pearl says flatly. “We are not having another Ronaldo situation. Period. And that is a gem sticker you tacky-glued on your shoulder.”

“UGH!!! You’re so MEAN!!! No wonder you’re not my waifu!!!!!” 

“Steven, would you kindly escort Sunstoan back outside?” Pearl asks through gritted teeth.

“Oh,” Steven says, disappointed. “Okay.”

Steven drags Sunstoan out onto the front porch despite her protests. “Look, I know the Gems don’t like you, and I guess  _ you’re _ not actually a Gem, but we can still keep in touch, if you want. Maybe go see Lapis and Peridot in the barn past the city! I’ll visit you!”

“Oh, I can just, like, impede on some college campus or something!!! And give you my phone number!!!” Sunstoan screams, whipping her phone out of her Kate Spade bag, both the former and latter inexplicably unharmed by her plummet to Earth.

“You fell out of the sun and you have a  _ phone? _ ”

“Yeah, well, you know, Rainbow Diamond likes to keep her Gems well up-to-date!!! You can, like, also add me on TikTok!!!”

“I….don’t have TikTok.”

“Oh, you have to get it!!! I’m Sunstoan6969420!! And, like, you have to watch all the popular TikToks, especially that one that goes, “Hit or mi — ”

Sunstoan’s amble about TikTok is cut short as Garnet busts through the door and taps Sunstoan in the stomach with her fist. Sunstoan’s squalls climb over 21,000 hertz as she slowly dissolves into the porch floor, then evaporates. Garnet inhales sharply.

“We are  _ not  _ hearing that song within a five-mile radius of this household,” she says darkly.

“Garnet, what the  _ flip!  _ You killed her!!!” Steven shouts, tears coming to his eyes.

“I didn’t kill her, Steven. She’s not real.”

Pearl and Amethyst run out to the porch, having heard Sunstoan’s batlike scream.

“How is that possible?!” Steven continues angrily.

“She’s just a Mary Sue, Steven. A shell of some ten-cent teenage girl with a low-budget costume and a blog. The actual Sunstoan is probably sitting at her computer right now, crying because her fanmade fiction didn’t get any likes.”

“Who-o-oaaa, Garnet!” Amethyst chuckles. “Bringin’ the  _ pain! _ ”

“H-how do you know all of this?” Pearl asks in bewilderment.

“There’s more than one of them,” Garnet says. “Believe me, I’ve had worse cases.”

“Elaborate on this...?”

“Once you have one stalk you for a month, repeatedly trying to propose to you, you do your research.” Garnet shudders inwardly.

“That sounds a lot like Jamie,” Steven points out.

“Jamie didn’t cover himself with dog hair and claim to be a labradorite.”

“You never told us  _ any _ of this,” Pearl complains.

“I think I graced you by not telling you, but I apologize anyway.”

“Argh!” Steven yells. “You mean there are more of them? More fake, shell people that are figments of people’s imaginations being controlled by  _ real _ people?!  How am I supposed to trust anyone now?! Everyone’s been lying to me! No one ever tells me anything! The government is conspiring against us! The moon landing was faked! Russia doesn’t exist! The Illuminati is real! 9/11 was an inside job! We’re just pawns in someone’s giant, wicked game! We — ”

The world implodes due to large breaches of the fourth wall commandments, cutting off Steven’s revelation. 

The end.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Mom says it’s my turn on the drugs.


End file.
